Adapting to change is a process

I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’m not being so emotionally affected by the coronavirus situation. Seeing so many of my friends struggling, I feel bad that I myself am not. When my friends come tell me how difficult life is for them right now, I refrain from saying how I’m feeling ok about everything (except about the Brazilian president) – I don’t want to sound like I’m dismissing what they’re feeling, but at the same time I wanted to tell them that I completely understand what they are going through. I’ve been there. Not necessarily right now, but I’ve experienced huge unexpected changes that turned my life upside down, and all the uncertainties that came along with these changes.

I didn’t ask for any of these unexpected changes, yet I’ve had to find ways to cope with loneliness, emptiness, lack of money, lack of face-to-face interaction, to let go of so many different things, from objects to people, as well as my life and my lifestyle as I knew them.

Nevertheless, the same feeling of peace wasn’t there for me in Bali when all the coronavirus thing started. There, although I was still doing my sadhana, praying, seeing my psychologist, and talking to friends online, I wasn’t feeling grounded at all , some wounds were coming to surface, my emotions were everywhere, my digestive system (and so my brain) was suffering. So all of this shows that adapting to change and coping with difficulties is a process. It isn’t something we accomplish overnight, particularly if we are open to dive deeply into our heart and soul. So this coronavirus situation seems like a new stage of this long process, only now it got to a level where all feels familar – living with less, interacting with fewer people, being quieter and looking within. Perhaps all the hardship I’ve been through has somehow prepared me for this. And you know what? I didn’t get why all of these changes were happening to me if you asked me a few months ago. But now I can only think that it’s a f***ing privilege to be able to go so deep into my soul and understand myself, heal my wounds, and feel freer.

To all of my friends who are struggling – I see you, I feel you. As many of you helped me with supporting words, messages and calls in the recent past – I hope you can feel I’m there a little for you too. Going through uncertainty and change is hard, but let’s lean on each other. That’s what has got me going as you know, and I’m a strong believer that a support network and a tight nonjudgmental community are one of the most important things we can have in our lives. This situation might take a while to pass, it might be painful, but I’m certain that all of you are super resilient, and I’m really proud of you for enduring through these tough times. Big big hug.

Back to the origins

I’m now back in Brazil. Bali was good but my stay there was coming to an end – I wasn’t feeling as comfortable in Ubud, and given the covid-19 situation, and all airports and borders shutting down, I thought I’d feel safer in Brazil than in Bali in case a major public health and/or economic crisis hits.

It’s been nearly a week since I arrived back in South America, and although I’ve been self-isolating – so not seeing or doing much – the whole experience has been interesting. I had forgotten that Brazil is so green and has so many open fields. On the three-hour journey from the airport to my hometown, I marvelled at a beautiful sunset (video below) and the different shades of green and open spaces. It kind of felt that I could breathe freely, whereas in Ubud I at times had a feeling of being oppressed by busyness, intense humidity and a dense energy.

Sunset on the way to my hometown

It’s strange being back after nearly four years. I do feel like a “gringa” (foreigner) here. Even though my interactions are at a minimum due to self-isolation, I still have to order food or ask someone to come clean my hotel room, and sometimes words in Portuguese don’t come to me easily. I still think and dream in English, and am trying to take time to take everything in.

Today I was told by the hotel that I’ll have to leave – there’s a new government regulation that hotels should now close and have no more guests. I don’t know if this is really the case here why the hotel can’t extend my stay, or simply the fact that there are rumours now in town that I’m sick with the coronavirus. Yes, small town – people talk. When my dad told me about the rumours, I was very upset. This is one of the reasons why I don’t relate to other Brazilians in general. I know small towns and rumours are found anywhere in the world, however this lack of sense of community and a lot of gossiping in Brazil gets to me. People spend too much energy gossiping when they could be using that energy to help each other or heal themselves.

Let’s see how life will present itself once my self-isolation is over. I’ll move tonight to a house for another nine days of self-isolation, then in with a friend who will kindly open her home to me, to live with her and her son until this situation is over.

On a different note – lawyers: the FOI has been finalised and the lawyers have now received all the documents related to my state nomination application. I should receive more information from them soon.

Stay safe everyone. Lots of love 💜

Open heart and courage

There’s something interesting about life – it’s always changing. We can make plans as much as we like, but the fact is that we never know what’s in store around the corner for us. Not in a billion years I could’ve imagined that I’d be living in Asia. I’ve always had some sort of curiosity about Bali, however visiting Asia has never been at the top of my list of places to visit. Yet, here I am. And from Bali, I’m today travelling to Singapore for a long weekend away.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and it actually blows my mind. So much can happen in a person’s life from one week to the other. And it makes me think that, no matter what, we’d better make the most out of life, throw ourselves fully to whatever is thrown at us, with an open heart and lots of courage to be ourself.

I’ve been rediscovering that open heart and that courage inside of me. Not an easy task but I’ve been incredibly proud of the person I’ve become. I now confidently say that resilience is my middle name, and that we all have the ability to bounce back after reaching bellow bottom.

On the way to the airport, I passed by this beautiful statue of Rāma – the ideal hero, the sun of sun, the embodiment of truth and morality, strength and vigor. I smiled and silently prayed – May I always remember to carry Rāma’s qualities within me as I face the ups and downs of life. May those qualities equal the strength and courage I need to keep making changes, growing, awakening. May you all experience those qualities, too, my friends.

Soon to erupt

There’s so much diversity in the world that sometimes I feel I was living in a bubble in Australia. Not that there isn’t diversity in Oz. On the contrary. But my mind was so focused on visa, visa, visa (and making money to pay for school and visa, then, only then, live my life and my purpose), that I kind of forgot how big and expanded the world, the mind and ideas can be.

Staying in Ubud seems to be waking me up from some sort of dormant state. The place is such a melting pot of multicultural, creative people – sometimes even very overwhelming – that it’s making me see life through different eyes, and encouraging me to think outside the box. I still think Australia is the place for me, where I want to build my future, retire, reconnect with and contribute to my community, etc. Nevertheless, it feels so much needs to change as far as my mindset is concerned. I’ve been questioning career, my purpose in life, friendships and boundaries, relationships… I feel like a volcano about to erupt. Soon to create beauty from such eruption.

It’s an intense, sometimes painful journey (ah, all that lava being produced inside), yet it’s starting to feel very exciting. I can see how/why inner change is necessary. So wait and see – I’ll come out of this stronger, happier, expanded, with more purpose, and even more empathy. Right now I totally feel I can do it. And I will.